Tears and Tantrums

It's amazing how quickly something can change. People, feelings, situations, nothing is constant. there's so much going on at once, it's hard to keep track of every thing and it's more than a little over welming.
So much I can't explain; why can't I be myself around them? Why haven't the pain stopped yet? Why is he being so unsuportive? Does he even care any more? How do I really feel about the whole situation?
I know if I looked hard enough I would find the answers to all these questions, so maybe the real question is, do I really want to know?

I think i'll just close my eyes and forget for a little while.

Long weekend

This weekend has been perfect.
I don't honestly know what was different, it just was. Not that it was bad before, just this weekend i felt even happer to see him than usual.
I don't even know why I was complaining.
He's perfect for me.
When out with our friends, he doesn't smother me, yet still makes me feel like the most importent person to him there.
He listens to my rants and cwtches me when I'm down.
He has no problem with showing me (an apropriate amount of) affection in public.
I don't feel suffocated when he wraps his arms around me.
On top of all this, I can think about ''forever'' without freeking out.

Please don't let go of me...

Comfort or Excitement?

In all honesty, I've never felt more my self than when I'm with him.
He knows I have a few screws loose, and still chooses to love me anyway.
When I look at him and catch him looking back at me, I still get that warm, fuzzy feeling.
I miss him just after he leaves even when I know I'll see him again soon.
When I walk into a room dressed to go out, the way he looks at me makes me feel good about myself and like I've swallowed a swarm of butterflies.
I'm so lucky.
So how after all of this do I find myself missing something? I've tried every way I can think of to add what's missing, to no avail. I can live without these things and get by contently, but in my eyes, it is a big part thats missing.
I wouldn't give up what I have got in search for what I'm missing, I'm just saying it would be nice to have it included. I have love and affection, which should be enough for anybody right? Is it so out of line to want some excitement and passion thrown in? Can we save the contentment untill we're 80?

Ups and Downs

It's hard to keep track off everything at present. There's so many things going on right now that induce such diverse thoughts and feelings. Amoungst these are anger, hate, depression and hopelesness. At the same time I'm feeling happyness, love, and hope about other situations. These contradiction of feelings are increadably draining. This adds the feelings of weakness and nausia. At least feeling means I'm alive.

Time's the greatest healer?

I haven't been here in a while.

This is such a fitting statement for so many things right now. At first, I felt like I was just traveling in one big, repetative circle. Same story. Same Faces. Same feelings. Now I see it's been a little different each time.
There's no obvious pattern to the severity of the feelings. The last time seamed the hardest, this time seamed a little easier. It might just be that this time I'm learning to accept it and see things how they really are. How they've almost always been.

It's hard to feel everything, so I'm shutting off a bit.

Bowl or helmet?

I look at the world differently to most. Not always in a 'rose coloured glasses' kind of way. More of a 'screw loose? Na, I think they're missing' view.
For example, coming home from a party, my mother thought 'sick bowl' where as I thought 'crash helmet', after all, I knew I was more likely to fall over than be sick. So really, it's a more logical way of thinking. So, if you think you could walk in heals, try on my shoes and let me know how you find it. Safety first, wear your helmet.

A second first kiss.

It's been said that, 'nothing beats a first kiss'.

I both agree and disagree with this statement. I agree in the way that a first kiss can tell you a lot about how the whole relationship is going to be. However I disagree in the sense that, having experianced it, a seconed first kiss speaks louder. Like a first kiss, it too tells you a lot about the pending relationship, but it has qualities that a first kiss couldn't muster, such as a wave of memories and emotion, the feeling of regaining something you once lost a while back. It's a rather exillerating wave.

And there was me thinking the tide was out.

Sink or swim?

Wanting what you can't have is such a human thing. It's even worse when what you want is right in front of you, but you cant have it. Once you're just coming to terms with there's a bump in the road, and it makes you want it more.
Then there's that oppotunity to regain something you once had. On the other hand, if you let it go last time, where's the will to keep it this time? and does it really overpower the want of the unobtainable?

It's a butterfly spring.

You know that feeling of excitement, like you've swallowed a thousand butterflys? That's how I'm used to feeling at the moment. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm excited about. The feeling is just there, over the smallest of things. Going out with friends, end of the college day, even the thought of a day where i dont have to rush or do anything. The only downside of today I can think of is that it's going to end. Oh, and that my flip flops rub.

High on life!

There's not a lot better than sweating out all you troubles in a room full of strangers. (For all you sick minded people, I've been to the gym.) Isn't it mad how a little exersize can make the world of difference! Other than my legs feeling like they're going to fall off and my lungs going into shock because they've been used for the first time in ages, I feel great! Getting ill and unfit isn't nessaceraly a bad thing, now it means I can see my progress again as I get fitter. Living is great, isn't it? :)

Spoon feeding.

As a child, you are completely dependant on others. You can't feed yourself, clean yourself, communicate or even move fully at really young. As you grow older, you learn (or so that is the theory). You stop becoming so dependant on others. You can physically put the food in your mouth, but still need to be given it in the first place. Eventually you learn to 'put the food on the table' for yourself. (Admittedly, some take a lot longer to learn than others), but the point is, that the majority of people get to that stage eventually. It is beyond me how people that are 'independent' in all of the above skills, are still 'spoon fed' in other aspects of life. Were they not taught the other life skills as a child? Or perhaps, they felt that dressing and feeding them selves and maintaining a socially acceptable level of personal hygiene is enough from them, and the rest should be handed to them.
Incompetence. Ineptitude. Severely lacking. I wouldn't mind if people physically couldn't do something, but it's just sheer laziness! I utterly can not stand people that expect everything done for them.
In case you hadn't realised, I am sick of holding peoples hand and dragging dead weight. If you're not going to help yourself, how can you expect anyone else to help you!?

Gazing aimlessly, through the fog.

Looking, but seeing nothing. Do you see nothing because you physicaly can't, or because you don't want to see? Or possibly, because someone is hiding it from you. Sometimes, you can't see it, not because you conciously don't want to, but because your mind is protecting you. What happens when something removes all doubt, and even your mind has to accept it?

Love the little things!

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. Kids are playing in the street (well, there had to be a down side). The family are on their way over. The bbq is heating up. Live is good. I love days like this. Days where you put all the troubles to the back of your mind. Of course, you're still perfectly aware of them, but the good overwelms all else, and everything is calm. There is a shallow reason for loving these kind of days. It's that I get to wear sunglasses. I look good in sunglasses.

Now why did I do that?

My philosophy for life is; Why live close to the edge, when you can jump off?
As soon as I said it, everybody took it the wrong way. I find it funny that people 'jump' to conclusions without thinking about all of the other possibilities. Or perhaps, I just over analyse things? Life would be so much easer if everybody was on the same wavelength, but easy doesn't make for interesting. In my opinion, easy is boring. Where's the fun if there's no challenge? Another philosophy I live by would be; If something is worth having, it's worth working for.
Back to my first philosophy. I'm one of those people that jump in, two feet, at the deep end. Okay, so it doesn't always work out too well, but I haven't drown as of yet. What is the point of dipping in your toes and testing the water? It just gives the people in the pool false hope that you might get in too. As for getting in slowly, what if the water is warmer on the surface, but as you get further in, it gets colder, and you can't get back out? And you'll get nowhere in life if you steer clear of the pool all together. So I think that the best option IS to jump in, that way you know how all of the pool feels straight away, and you also get the adrenalin rush. But remember, take your armbands.

Licking windows

Ever have that feeling where, in a split second, everything clicks? You finaly belong? Well mine occured as I was being thrown over a fence, and realising, there is no where else i would rather be.
I have great, if not a little disfunctional, friends. They have the power to make me feel happy, even on the days I feel like crying. I'm not going to say "I don't know what I'd do without them" because in all truthfulness, I DO know. I would sit at home re-reading the twilight saga, and single handedly keep Ben and Jerries in business.

It's a cleche, but I love you.

The tangled web of friendship.

If I'm honest, I'm not a fan of this 'growing up', as it seems that people never actually do. This has come to my attention all the more recently. Fully-grown 'adults' sit around and bitch like schoolgirls. They don't even need much incentive. Just the way you look at someone can get you in their bad books. I found the easiest way to deal with these people, is to keep your head down and not getting involved. This was easy enough, after all, it's what I've been doing since i was 9.

It gets a little more difficult when you work with the people. The longer you work there, the more you get dragged into their business. A slippery slope. I managed to keep my head above water though. It started trivial, and ended with a young single mother of two, having her business, everything she had ever dreamed of and worked for, stolen from her. In just a few lies and forged signatures.

It just goes to show that people never really grow up; the bitching; lies and deceit just multiply in severity and become harder to cope with.

As it's been said, old habits die hard.

Have my cake and eat it?

I have noticed a worrying rise in my pessimism as of late.

I started off as a 'glass is half full' kind of girl. Almost to the point where I have similarities to ice cream - nice, but after a while, it starts to hurt your teeth. Then I started thinking 'but what if the glass is half full of something gross? Surly that's not optimism, it would be more optimistic to think that the glass is then half empty. So for a while, I was an optimistic pessimist. More recently again, I've become more of a realist. I know at the end of the day, someone is going to have to wash the glass.

Is it over by there?

Where as all of my friends seem to be looking for love, some successfully, others, not so much, I seem to be pushing away the people I love and all those that hold potential. At least, that's what I'm told.
As this is the case, I'm not sure I know how to act. Surely opening up to people to allow them to be closer will make me vulnerable, rather like letting down my defence. On the other hand, keeping on like this will ultimately leave me with nothing. Which once again posses the question, 'What am I doing that is so socially blocking?'. I'm smiling and nodding, umming and ahhing at all the right points, getting by on auto pilot. So why is it that he thinks 'getting by' isn't enough? I may not be happy, but I'm content. If it's okay with me, shouldn't it be okay with him? Maybe the more pressing question should be, 'Why is it that his opinion bothers me so much?' It's apparent that his opinion means more to me than i first realised. Knob.

Just light or empty?

It's a hard thing to explain. Even to explain to your self is virtually impossible.
It starts just below your ribcage, and expands to fill your chest. The feeling is how I'd imagine swallowing a ballon and it slowly inflating. In optimism, I'd like to say that its a light feeling. However, a darker, pessimistic trail of thought suggests hollow, numb, nothingness. Unfortunetly, my pessimistic voice overpowers all else at the moment.