Here I am again.

Here I am again, questioning all the choices I've made in life. Questioning my motivation for those choices. Questioning what to do next.

Questions, questions, questions.

The problem with asking yourself these questions is you don't always want an honest answer.

Instead of answering the questions you start analysing why you're asking them.

Maybe I'm projecting.

Maybe everything is fine and I'm just looking for problems.

Maybe it isn't and I'm looking for reasons to sweep everything under that massive rug we seem to own.

Is this self sabotage, or is ignoring it?

Team player?

I broke it. It was his and I broke it. It wasn't intentional, I apologised straight away, but I'm sorry doesn't fix it. He can't fix it... yet. He can't fix it until December. Three months of making do until he can continue to take more. But obviously, that's not enough. He brakes something of mine, I say, "you didn't mean to" and yes, I get upset, but not at him. This was at me. Maybe it's the difference in upbringing. He's used to having what he wants when he wants. Now he has to wait and he's directing that anger at me. I made a mistake.

50%

50%. That's what your worth. Your wages. You earn 50% to your husband. His family. Your worth 50% to your husband. That's how life works. You will always be worth less. Even when you're working twice as hard. Even when your efforts are just as much. Even though your family treat him as an equal. You're not enough. You're not clever enough. You're not adaptable enough. You're not man enough. You'll never be enough.

Hello again

Once again, it's been a while.

I always seem to find myself back here. Some stints between visits are longer than others. The reasons for the return trip differ, but the destination is always the same.

We are creatures of habit after all. We enjoy the routine of things. The status quo. The promise of repetition. When the tides turn and greet us with anything other than the rhythm of waves of which we have come to know, we drown.

We may put up a fight, kick and splash or just hold on and try to weather the storm, but without retreat, we fall victim. Relentless swells will beat you back; undoing all efforts and attempts to make it to dry land. In panic, even the slightest movement against you feels like a Serens wrath, beckoning you under.

Exhaustion sets in and you just let go.

Another victim of life's stormy seas.

For Goodness Sake

I'm so sick of people.

Everything's Changing

I'm at a whole new chapter and I'm not sure where this one is heading. I'm done with education and I've ventured out into the big bad world. I'm not entirely sure I want to be here. Here in a dead end job. Here while all my friends leave for uni. Here with no indication that life gets better.
I'd love to believe that it all falls into place. That all my hard work pays off and everything is worth it in the end but nothing ever is. I always take the short straw. Every effort I make gets lost in transition. none of it is worth it in the end so why bother joining the rat race? Why not just sit back and wallow to the scent of the ungainable cheese?

When did I get so cynical?

I hate everyone. Everyone and everything. People are pricks and only out for themselves. People hurt and humilliate you to feel better about their sad, pathetic little lives. The world would be a better place if a lot of them wern't in it. The world may be a better place if I wasn't in it. At least then everyone could carry on being twats without constantly hurting someone.